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The Big Facebook Push

I never thought it would happen to me. Media giant FaceBorger has muscled me off their site. For eight years I've been supplying them with daily content. Witty quips, mostly, though for President Obama's entire administration I was posting daily about how shitty Obamacare was. I told them who my friends were and some of my relatives. I told them where I worked.

Occasionally, when I signed in over the past several years, FaceDicker would ask me "Hey, do you have a phone number? We'd like to provide you with two step security!" but I'd always skip that step. I don't want Faceberger calling me, or knowing anything about my phone contacts.

But then on Monday I was confronted with this message from Facebooger:

Use a phone to verify your account
The phone number you use can only verify one account. Once you enter your number, you'll receive a code that you can enter on FecesEater to verify your account.


And until I give FaceSitter a number I can receive texts from, FaceDildo isn't letting me back into my account.

I ain't the only one. My guess is that FaceWiper is rolling out this program slowly, to prevent mass outcry. But if it hasn't happened to you yet, it will. It's time to decide how valuable your data is. Do you want to see your aunt's links on FaceNecker about whale watching? How about the new post in the UFO pictures group? Do you want to keep getting insight on your friends' weird relationships? Are you willing to give this company your phone number to keep receiving this information?

Comic transcript

Standing on the porch of the team's off-campus house where a black stripper accused three white students of rape, Crimebuster apologizes for his monkey Squeeks' pilfering of the Baron Lacrosse team's championship ball. Crimebuster says "Guys, I'm awful sorry about this. That's my monkey Squeeks, and he can be a real pest sometimes, but he doesn't mean anything bad by it, honest!"

Squeeks silently lifts his bellhop cap when he hears his name.

#41, the team captain, replies "No harm done." Then, realizing, he says, "Hey, weren't you the guy who turned the firehose on those protestors?"

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